


Almost Right

by matan4il



Series: Because Only the Heart [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Hope, M/M, POV Third Person, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 11:24:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12793548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matan4il/pseuds/matan4il
Summary: Robert almost gets it right.This is a fill for a Tumblr prompt from Irisnsc, who asked for a fic inspired by the songGraceby Rag'n'Bone Man.*hugs* I hope you like it!





	Almost Right

**Author's Note:**

  * For [irisnsc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/irisnsc/gifts).



Robert almost gets it right.

When they placed that baby in his arms, he thought of Aaron. He looked at the tiny, vulnerable body and thought of the man he loved, of that big heart his husband had and what it felt like, to be entrusted with it. To get to hold Aaron in his arms. To be with him in moments of exposure. Times when they were making love and the candle’s flame would flicker on the bedside table, playing with light and shade against the soft body that Robert got to hold, got to know and have. Robert clearly remembered the last day, the last hour, he had the permission, the freedom, to touch Aaron’s body as freely as if it were his own. He recalled every detail and it cut him to the bone. The images receded and made way for the last time Robert spoke to the man he had pledged his life to and the distance between them. The desperate want to touch, to close the gap as if their bodies could make things right even as everything else went wrong. He feit it again, what it was like, being denied. Having that want turned down. Aaron not being his anymore. He was living that everyday like it was a proper physical wound.

Robert held that little defenseless creature, remembered it all and wanted to run away. From himself. He almost got it right with Aaron, he almost managed to build a life for them together. But then it was him, he and no one else, who destroyed it. He should not have been trusted with the little innocent bundle they placed in his arms. That much was clear to him, if nothing else was anymore. It would have been clear to everyone had they just known the darkness Robert immersed himself in since that candle went out. Since he snuffed it.

But Aaron stopped him. When Robert had nothing to fight with anymore, Aaron believed in him. Where he saw no way forward, Aaron needed him to do this for them, to get it right this time. So there was no other choice. Robert threw himself into being a father. Took down the dam and let himself feel everything, not just the pain and anger and hatred of recent months, but everything that flooded his mind and his heart back when he was allowed to love.

He’s trembling. Almost got it right, but not quite, not ever, his own mistakes always come back to pry what matters from his hands. He’s shaking and it’s subtle enough that no one else would pick up on it. All the words he has said recently because they were needed to cause the kind of chaos he was absolutely possessed to inflict, he said the same ones now. Only just when he means them, no one will believe him. They’re right not to, but he fumbles to get the words out, because he can’t lose this too. He mustn’t. There’s nothing left other than this. Robert’s very insides turn. He’s always been gifted at making lies sound just like the truth. Which makes it nearly impossible to separate his honest words now from the deceiving ones he’s spewed in the past. He doesn’t know how to make the difference discernible to people who are not Aaron, but he has to. That’s why when the first slap lands, he lets it. That’s why he takes kick after kick. Their violence is them telling him he deserves it. He’s letting them know he agrees. If he takes this responsibility, maybe they’ll believe his true acceptance of other ones.

It’s night at the Mill. It’s dark, but familiar. Friendly, like the shadows of your own house should be when you’ve passed each other down the hall a million times. A part of the reality of home. From the couch, Robert takes it in and it’s unsettling. This place was only his residence for a short while. It’s disconcerting that he still feels like he belongs here more than he ever did in any other place in his life, because no matter what comes next, he still won’t get to have this. 

He picks up on a noise and feigns sleep. Surely enough, Aaron comes down the stairs. A night cap, a quick run to the bathroom. Robert hopes whatever it is, it’ll be over soon. Not moving a muscle in the presence of the man he loves in this intimate setting is an agony, worse than any of the injuries he’s sustained. Yet Aaron doesn’t turn in any direction but the couch Robert is laying on. As he gets closer and closest, the move of light is more detectable. It plays against Robert’s closed eyelids. A candle. Like Aaron had to come and see him. Like he couldn’t trust any other source of light not to wake Robert and reveal this scene. Flashes from every time Aaron had rejected him play out in the mind of the man pretending to be dormant on the couch. Even the features of a handsome, tall doctor come into it. Every little sign that told Robert he had lost his husband for good. Aaron played not loving Robert anymore to perfection. And he almost got it right.


End file.
